


Land of the Northern Folk

by blehgah



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Destroy Ending, Drabble Collection, F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-13
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-02-13 01:36:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2132175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blehgah/pseuds/blehgah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of drabbles and short stories spanning throughout the entire series, from little moments to big moments all aboard the Normandy. Primarily mshenko.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**me1: tali and garrus - first impressions**

Life outside the Migrant Fleet has been... engaging, to say the least.

While Tali'Zorah nar Rayya hardly considers herself to be incompetent or weak, she can't deny that she lacks experience. There's a lot riding on this pilgrimage, even moreso now that she's involved with this Alliance soldier. The first human Spectre, one Commander John Shepard... And, together with his ragtag crew, Tali has been entrusted with the mission of finding one slimy turian bastard guilty of fraternizing with the geth, among other things. Whether or not this Reaper business is true, Tali has yet to see.

Speaking of a ragtag crew, Shepard really did not have any brakes. A scarred krogan, an ex C-Sec turian, and herself included. What kind of quarian served on a human ship?

She expects it'll be an enlightening experience.

* * *

Shepard has ushered his collected crew into the mess. The human girl is giving the rest of the alien crew the evil eye. Tali glares at her behind her mask. Meanwhile, the other human, a male lieutenant, is offering nervous smiles and small hand gestures, seemingly friendly but afraid to approach.

Then there's the krogan. He looks anything but pleased, though Tali has only ever seen happy krogan in the vids - and even then, that had been a long shot. Krogan as villains on the big screen, krogan making impossible kills on vids on the extranet, krogan warlords, krogans storming through the rebellion... Each and every one of them with blood-thirsty smiles. She's more than glad to see him keeping his distance.

And after that... the turian. Garrus Vakarian, former C-Sec officer. Up until now, she's only had bad experiences with turian, much to her disappointment. It had been childish to hope she'd meet someone as dashing as Bellicus right away, but that movie had been her childhood. After being snubbed by so many turian officers in the citadel, Tali had been resigned to burying the idea altogether.

Besides, Shepard himself seems like a much better option to lay her hopes on. A dashing captain of such an advanced ship... It's almost as good as a proxy Bellicus.

Her thoughts are cut short by introductions.

"Alright," Shepard starts, crossing his arms over his chest, "This may seem like an unnecessary formality, but if we're going to be working together, I'd like things to go as smoothly as possible. I can't demand that you act as friends, but it'd be optimal if you could at least cooperate."

The Commander is met with collective nods.

"Good. I'm glad we're on the same page." His shoulders ease as he moves into a more relaxed position, shifting his weight to the wall behind him. "I guess I'll start. My name is John Shepard, and I'm your commanding officer as long as you choose to serve on the Normandy. Those of you who haven't served with the Alliance haven't heard of me, but since you're here with me now, I trust that you'll bring your unique talents with me in our pursuit of Saren."

"Unique talents..." The woman scoffs, neatly picking up where Shepard trails off. "Yeah, sure." Despite her unimpressed tone, she snaps into attention, throwing a stiff salute. "Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams reporting for duty. Commander Shepard here found me on Eden Prime and made sure I didn't follow the rest of my squad into the afterlife."

Her eyes sweep the crowd before her. When their eyes meet, Tali understands that Williams suspects that Shepard must have saved all of their asses in one way or another, giving them common ground from the get-go - not that Tali would admit it.

Next in line is the remaining human. "Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko reporting for duty," he states, throwing a salute that's not quite as stiff as Williams', but formal nonetheless. "I joined the Normandy's crew a little before the Commander. My specialties lie in biotics and technical work."

After Alenko... is Tali. She's unfamiliar with the custom of saluting, but she stands a little straighter. "I'm Tali'Zorah nar Rayya of the Migrant Fleet. I'm here on my pilgrimage, and I'm also the one that provided Commander Shepard with the evidence necessary to prove Saren has been working with the geth."

The turian sizes her up and smirks, mandibles and all. Tali wants to believe it's charming, but... all it does is grind on her nerves. "I'm Garrus Vakarian, former C-Sec agent. I'm just here to lend my gun to whoever wants to bring justice to that bastard Saren."

"I'm with the turian over here," the krogan says, then breaks into harsh laughter, "Never thought I'd see the day where I agreed with a turian. But anyway, I've got nothing fancy to tell you; I'm just looking for the best fight, and a Spectre killing another Spectre? Is probably one of the best things I've heard in the past month."

There's not quite as much... valor, maybe, on the aliens' side, compared to the structured info the humans offer. Tali's used to stuffy one-uppings from listening to the admiralty board talk, and this little meeting of theirs is both frustrating and comforting for that reason alone.

Her gaze lingers on Vakarian, however, that one part of her childhood still clinging to finding her very own Bellicus. His voice is a smooth purr, even through the translator, and his carefree attitude has some charm to it - once she pushes aside the irritation that resulted from such a show of arrogance. Plus, having a turian around also meant having another dextro on the ship, which already lends him bonus points.

However, after a few moments, Vakarian notices her gaze and he twitches a facial horn in her direction. Under the mask, she flushes slightly, but she waves a hand at him, trying for dismissive. Luckily, he doesn't persist; instead he shrugs and heads off towards the weapons lockers.

Tali sighs. She's here for Saren, her pilgrimage, not... not romance. Her hormones can wait for a more opportune moment for that.


	2. Chapter 2

**post me3: mshenko and crew - destroy ending where shep survives**

The ship is quiet. Traynor is at her station, fiddling with shaky communications, and her fingers tapping the screen is the only sound that echoes through the Normandy. It's so quiet Kaidan can hear his breath rattle in his chest, the air knocking around his bruised rib-cage.

Sure, medi-gel can heal a lot, but Kaidan's also been through a lot. The bruising in his chest borders on a cheesy metaphor he doesn't want to consider-- then again, he'd rather not focus on anything in specific, anyway. Thinking... is a road he'd rather not travel. Not yet.

Liara sits next to him in the supply closet that used to be the armory. They perch atop stacked boxes, legs barely holding up. He's aware of Garrus and Tali's presence in the room on the other side of the ship, probably clutching each other and thanking their lucky stars. Part of Kaidan wants to hate them, wants to despise them for being so fucking fortunate. But the sane part of him - well, what can pass as sane at this point - is relieved beyond belief that they're breathing the same air that he is.

Vega and Cortez catch up to them, push boxes aside to sit with them. Kaidan appreciates their presence, too, but they don't know, they don't understand the way Liara does. Liara has been there from the beginning. Liara knows him, knows Shepard, knows the Normandy and Joker and Garrus and Tali. Liara knows the name on the monument in the floor below them (the one that should have been his), knows the way the Citadel nearly fell to pieces all those years ago, knows the way that Shepard's first death ripped through his body like any bullet he's faced on the field.

They offer him sympathetic looks, but they don't know. Not the way Liara does. Not the way Kaidan wishes he could forget.

No, not forget. That's just the heat of the moment getting to him, the sharp, cutting pain slicing through his throat, his chest, his abdomen, like running knives through all of his vital points. He doesn't want to have to face tomorrow without Shepard, but he can't let go of his Commander; not now, not ever, no matter how much it hurts.

Because where would he be without Shepard? Major Kaidan Alenko, second human Spectre... Second only to Shepard. His resolve wouldn't be the same without having faced Saren, or without the series of trials stemming from Horizon, or every moment spent together with his Commander here on this ship. The world itself wouldn't be the same without Shepard. They'd all be dead without Shepard.

Breath escapes his lungs in a low whisper as he relaxes his shoulders and neck against the boxes, resting his head. He's thankful the world is in one piece, but there's still a bleeding hole in his spine from the moment Shepard ushered him into the Normandy at the last minute; from the moment he was left behind.

"Don't leave me behind," he'd said, to which Shepard responded with one last promise of love. 

"No matter what happens, know that I love you. Always."

But how can a dead man love him?

There's a familiar prickle to his eyes, followed closely by a throb at the base of his skull. Kaidan covers his eyes with his hand, pushing out another slow, shaky exhale.

"Major Alenko," calls Traynor, so distant and yet so immense through the quiet of the ship, "There's-- it's weak, but there's a signal."

But why tell him? Why--

After Shepard, Kaidan ranks the highest of everyone in the squad. At least, on an Alliance ship. Hell, he ranks higher than Shepard even when he's here, but without her captain, the Normandy has to answer to someone.

Suppressing a groan, Kaidan lurches to his feet. Liara follows soon after, hand hovering near his back. He steps towards her, lets her support him, and together they approach the comm room.

"--jor Alen-- this is-- al Hackett-- do you-- ead me?"

It's certainly rough, beat through with static, but Kaidan will take it eagerly.

"Admiral Hackett, sir, this is Major Alenko, I read you," he speaks to the radio.

"Wait-- I might have something in my cabin we can use to boost the signal." Liara rubs his back one more time before stepping away. "Traynor, maintain the signal as long as you can."

Since EDI disappeared from the ship - wiped out by the same forces that destroyed the Reapers, probably - the Normandy has been in the dark. Getting out of the blast had already been hard enough. Leaving Shepard and dealing with the loss of their ally at the same time made for a rather unstable Joker.

"Roger that, Liara," comes Traynor's response. She continues to tap furiously at the machine, a knot in her brow. "Hey, Lourdes? Get over here. I need you to..."

As the specialist trails off into some technical jargon Kaidan doesn't have the time to decode, Kaidan grips the surface of the console in front of him. There's more static, then: "--enko, this is important. I understand that-- nications are hard right now after the blast from-- Catalyst, but things are looking even better here on-- th. We found--"

The console bursts into a long string of static. "Hackett! Admiral, sir, you're breaking up! What did you find?"

When his only response is static, Kaidan has to resist the urge to slam his hands into the machine. "Liara!" he calls out to the ship, "I could really use your help right about now!"

The doors to the comm room slide open and Liara hurries into the room. "Sorry, Kaidan, I just-- Glyph wasn't there, so I had to do a bit of digging."

Kaidan looks up. "Glyph too, huh...?"

With a sigh, Liara nods. "Yes. I'm still not one hundred percent sure about what happened with the Catalyst, but... Maybe we can find out now."

She puts down a box and unloads a few instruments. Together with Traynor, the two fiddle with the consoles until the feed comes back online.

"Major Alenko, do you read me?" Hackett asks, his voice strained with urgency and trace bits of static.

"Yes, sir, loud and clear." The calm of his tone seems to make it across the line as Hackett's response softens.

"Good. I see you've gotten communications back up. Listen, I know it's a mess, and at this point I can't get a read of your location. The relays are down, so I don't know how long you'll be out there, but... I just thought you should know that we found him."

Kaidan's heart sputters in his chest. "You... You what?"

"Found... what?" Liara asks, looking up. She and Traynor share a similar expression.

Hackett chuckles. "I contacted the Normandy first to hear that exact response. Yes, Major, we've found him. We've located Commander Shepard, and he's alive!"

A wave of emotion washes over him. It's too much all at once, he can't pinpoint what his brain feeds his body-- his knees buckle, his shoulders fall, his eyes prickle again. He can feel his sinuses tingle and the base of his skull throb again, once, twice.

In the distance, he hears the doors to the comm room slide open. Voices pour into the room.

"Shepard's alive?"

"The Commander's okay?"

"That fucking Loco..."

"Keelah se'lai..."

"Tough bastard, of course he's alive."

"The ultimate survivor."

A laugh ripples through Kaidan's chest. It's stopped short by a sob, and suddenly hands are on his back and shoulders.

"He's in critical condition, but knowing him, he'll pull through. We're taking him to the best hospital still operational here on Earth. I'll keep you updated until we can find a way to get you back over here. Good luck. Hackett out."

As the signal, and the static, die out, Kaidan can feel his breath fade out with it. His lungs are caught up between laughing and crying, and it seems the rest of the crew feels the same way. Across from him, Traynor and Liara have broken down into tears, holding onto each other as the tears streak down their faces. Cortez is quick to join them.

Vega hangs his head, hands tight around the railing surrounding the communication console. Javik leans against the far wall, shaking his head and smiling. Tali and Garrus cling to each other again, quiet hiccups echoing through Tali's helmet.

The comm room doors open one more time. Hobbling steps click against the metal tiles and Kaidan looks up to see Joker, eyes wide and shoulders trembling.

"He made it," Kaidan says, his voice thick and coarse and quivering.

"I heard," Joker responds.

He cracks into a watery smile. That smile dissolves into an even wetter laugh, and eventually Joker pulls his hat down to cover his eyes.

Kaidan lets his knees fall out, collapsing against the cool metal. Garrus catches him by one arm, Vega taking the other.

"Hey--" Garrus' familiar, roiling voice is in his ear, words flowing through the translator like honey, "It's going to be alright, Kaidan."

Holding back a sob, Kaidan nods. Yeah. It's going to be alright.


	3. Chapter 3

**me1: kaidan, ashley, liara - rivals for affection**

While he hasn't had first experience (yet, his mind persists, much to his chagrin) with it, Kaidan has always suspected that romance in the military screams bad news. But he won't lie - the first time he met Shepard in person, in the flesh, he'd felt that familiar tingling in his stomach, the kind that soon grew into a pulse that shivered and shimmied over his skin.

It's not one of his favorite memories.

And now, with a few missions under his belt with the great Commander Shepard, the first human Spectre, Kaidan's come to notice that he's not the only one who has felt that damning tingle.

Gunnery Chief Williams, or, as he likes to call her, Ash. An obvious candidate for the Commander, if not the most likely one. In any case, for all intents and purposes, Kaidan considers himself out for the count. Which leaves one other viable love interest on the ship: Liara T'Soni.

Knowing Shepard's compassion for all living creatures, human or not, he hasn't ruled out an inter-species romance. With that thought, he would also include Tali if not for her inclination towards a certain turian on deck. Not that she'd admit the attraction, but Kaidan has picked up her lingering looks.

But Liara T'Soni has been far from subtle. To be honest, Kaidan doesn't think she has a very high capacity to hide things from... Well, anyone. Her life revolves around discovering and ultimately sharing, researching and examining, not bottling things up and thinking about them until they hurt. She isn't him, after all.

At least he and Ash have a connection already. Being the two humans on the squad makes it easier, certainly, but technology has granted them translators and a ship that forces them all into close quarters.

Liara's making tea when Kaidan wanders into the mess to grab some food. Being out on the field so often has been making his hunger harder and harder to satisfy, meaning he's been in here a lot.

When he pulls out of the fridge with a few protein snacks, he meets Liara's gaze over the door. She smiles sympathetically, knowing to what extent biotics can affect a body.

"Tea, Lieutenant?" she offers.

"Ah-- that'd be great, actually," he accepts, moving his food to the nearest table. Then he traces his steps to join Liara's side, peering into the cupboard to examine their collection of tea. It's sparse-- orange pekoe, some generic green tea, and chamomile. He goes for the chamomile.

"'How little I thought, a year ago,/ In the horrible cottage upon the Lee/ That he and I should be sitting so/ And sipping a cup of chamomile tea," recites Ashley as she saunters into the mess. "Having a biotic tea party?"

"You're welcome to join us, Chief Williams," Liara says, turning towards her with a shy smile.

"Please, call me Ash," she insists. Ashley stops by the counter, leaning her weight on her elbows as she examines the two cups sitting atop of it. "But sure, I'll have some."

"Milk and sugar?" Kaidan asks.

"I'll have some milk, thanks, LT."

Things grow quiet as the kettle slowly comes to a boil. The whistle of the vapor through the spout is the only sound in the mess before it's joined by a chorus of clicking silverware and mugs.

The three sit together at the counter. Kaidan has to recover his protein bars to sit with them, but it's a rare moment of camaraderie, and it doesn't take much effort to gather them.

Ashley glances from Liara to Kaidan and back again as he chews. "So, is there a purpose to this meeting, or...?"

"Not... That I'm aware of," Liara replies. She turns towards Kaidan. "Was there a reason you decided to join me?"

"Aside from curing a case of the munchies?" Kaidan asks with a slight laugh, "Nah. But it's nice to just sit down and have a... moment together. As... friends."

Liara's face lights up. "Right. Friends."

"Whoa, hold on there, LT. Am I interrupting something?" Ashley prods with raised eyebrows.

Kaidan coughs, narrowly avoiding choking on his protein bar. "Jesus. No, Ashley, you're not."

"Y-Yes!" Liara insists, putting down her tea cup with slightly more force than necessary. "I... There's... I'm not interested in the lieutenant that way."

"Hey, if you can call Ash by her first name, you can call me by mine," Kaidan informs her.

Ashley chuckles, dry and curt. "Alright, alright, no need to get your hair in a knot. Uh." Her eyes flicker to the blue cartilage adorning the crown of Liara's head. "Or whatever."

A moment of silence passes.

"I..." Liara is the first to speak up. "I thought there might have been... something between the two of you, actually."

"What?" the two humans exclaim together. Immediately after uttering the word, they glance at each other.

"What the hell gave you that idea?" Ashley demands.

"Well..." Liara fiddles with her fingers before busying her hands with her tea. "I'm sorry if I offended you, I'm not-- I'm not very good with social customs. But you both refer to each other with... pet names, and I was under the impression that that was an affectionate gesture."

"Pet names," Kaidan breathes. It eventually transforms into a quiet laugh. "No, no, they're not-- pet names. Nicknames, maybe, but not pet names."

The expression Liara's face adopts indicates that she doesn't understand the difference.

"Look, T'Soni, the deal is that I'm not interested in Mr. Romantic over here, alright?" Ashley wears a crooked grin. "Definitely not my type."

"Yeah, I suppose you're more into the dashing commander types, huh," Kaidan comments, chin in hand as he looks over his shoulder.

The sound that erupts from Ashley's mouth can only be described as an indignant squawk. "As if you're one to talk! Do you remember that little slip of yours back on the Citadel?"

"Hardly. That's exactly what it was-- a slip."

"Um--" Liara sits up a little straighter. Two pairs of eyes turn towards her. "So-- the two of you... are interested in the Commander?"

Kaidan bites his lip. Ashley hides her face behind her mug.

"I... Something like that. Yeah." Kaidan shoves a protein bar into his mouth before he can say anything else incriminating.

"Oh." Liara bows her head. "I see."

Ashley sighs, stretching her arms over her head. "Whatever. There's no room for love on the battlefield, anyway."

"Yes, you're right," Liara agrees, "Though I must say that I'm glad I'm not the only one."

"Ah, hell, not you too," Kaidan groans, "If this becomes some broken hearts club, I might as well jump out the airlock now."

"Shut up, LT." Ashley taps her knuckles against his shoulder. "Besides, you never know. Between the three of us, one of us is bound to catch Skipper's attention. Right?"

"I'm not sure I want to deal with the battle that comes out of that one," Kaidan mutters.

Liara extends a hand, though it hovers awkwardly above the surface of the counter. "Then let us make a... truce of sorts. I don't expect any one of us to, say, sabotage the others' chances at a relationship with the Commander, but there's no need to get hostile."

With a huff, Ashley lifts an eyebrow. "So what, good luck to all, let's have a fair free-for-all?"

"Yes, I suppose." Liara blinks.

The counter clicks at Kaidan as he settles his mug down, shoulders set and jaw firm. "Right. No, Liara has a point, Ash; at least now it's in the open, and there's no reason to... get openly upset if anything happens. We all have an equal chance, and we should respect each other's moves."

A puff of breath escapes Ashley's mouth, warm and caffeinated from the tea. "Yeah, yeah. It just sounds kinda ridiculous."

"Think of it as diplomatic," Liara suggests with a smile.

"Was that your attempt at a joke?" Kaidan asks, returning that smile.

If asari could blush, Kaidan thinks he's witnessing it. While a layer of scales cover the expanse of Liara's skin, her cheeks seem to glow, warmth gathering in her face.

With a short, sharp laugh, Ashley stands up. "You'll get the hang of it soon, T'Soni. Thanks for the tea, by the way. It was swell."

Although Kaidan doesn't bother to look, he can hear Ashley putting her mug away, the machine and drawers clanging. Beside him, Liara stares into the pit of her cup, contemplative.

Once Ashley walks towards the elevator, Kaidan puts a hand on Liara's shoulder. She jumps and turns a wide-eyed stare at him.

"Don't worry about her, she's just... kind of rough around the edges," Kaidan says, the words somewhat slow out of his mouth.

Liara hums. "I immediately thought that you were saying that she-- has calloused skin, or... something. But thank you. I'll definitely have something to think about tonight." The doctor brings herself to her feet. "It was nice to chat with you, Kaidan."

"Yeah." Kaidan offers her one last smile before tending to his protein bar wrappers.

While they each go their own separate ways, Kaidan is confident in thinking that they're all considering the same thing - just where do they stand with Shepard, and where will that leave them with each other?


	4. Chapter 4

**me1: mshenko - kaidan is french-canadian**

Translators are attached to all of their uniforms, even their fatigues. It's easier than having to deal with headsets and microphones, and it's especially helpful since Shepard insists on having so many aliens on the ship. While the spectre himself would hardly call it "many", the Normandy is still an Alliance ship, and humanity is still sensitive about that sort of thing.

Of course, he also supposes it must be some sort of American stubbornness in him (patriotism, rather) that pushes him to assume that every human on the ship speaks in English. With the translators, he doesn't even need to think about it.

When the translators break, however, it's a pleasant surprise to find out that one Kaidan Alenko does not, in fact, speak in English.

Shepard's squadmates gather in the mess. The CO stands propped against a nearby support column, watching as Garrus and Tali gesture to each other with their hands. Liara sits next to Tali, her lips pursed and eyes wide. Shepard can recognize the usual nervousness in her gaze, but there's also a certain freedom in having no one understand you, to communicate through body language alone.

Williams approaches with her usual confident gait, stopping to stand shoulder to shoulder with her commander. There's a crooked smirk on her face as she looks around the ship. "This is a fucking mess, isn't it?"

"Could be worse," Shepard responds, "Joker's bringing us back to the Citadel to have the equipment looked at as fast as physically possible."

"Well thank God we weren't stationed out in the middle of nowhere, right?"

Having just dealt with Feros and the Thorian, Shepard figured the Citadel was in need of a visit, anyway. At least this... development will make the trip there a little more interesting. It would take less than a day to get there, but even just a few hours without his team to shoot the shit with seemed like a daunting idea.

"You know, I'm mildly concerned that Wrex is going to make some obscene gesture to get everyone to stop flailing," Shepard states, returning Ashley's grin, "But one can hope, right?"

"You got that right, sir." She breaks away from his gaze to scan the room again. "Where the hell is LT?"

Kaidan chooses that moment to descend the stairs. His face is bright red, though at first Shepard thinks it must be a trick of the light. As he approaches the rest of the squad, Shepard confirms that yes, his lieutenant is indeed blushing, the image perfected with a nervous hand on the back of his neck.

"Chuis ici," he says, eyes darting around the room.

His voice interrupts whatever attempts at conversation the rest of the crew are making.

Garrus looks up and produces a few confused clicks of his mandibles.

Sighing, Kaidan brings his hand around to rub at the bridge of his nose. "Ne me regardez pas comme ça..."

"What the hell, LT?" Ashley says, voicing the rampant thoughts racing through Shepard's head.

Kaidan's voice is normally a little rough, definitely a few leagues deep, but never so... nasal. Shepard knows that he's Canadian, but he has never mentioned anything about... not speaking English. It certainly looks more natural on him; he speaks more with his lips, shaping them thoroughly around the words to manipulate this foreign tongue.

"I thought you said you were from Vancouver?" Shepard's own voice falls out of his mouth at an airy, distant angle, his wonder working its way into his tone.

"Ouais, j'ai dit ça, mais je grandissais dans Quebec," Kaidan responds with a sigh. "Je pensais pas que ce serait important..."

Eventually, the aliens give up on understanding yet another foreign language. While Liara does spare Kaidan a few glances every now and then, probably taking notes, she seems content to simply listen to the sounds around her as a whole.

The blush on Kaidan's face persists despite his attempts to hide it behind his hand.

"That's adorable," Ashley purrs, leaning towards Kaidan with a smug smile, "LT here's French-Canadian! Who would've thought."

"But you can understand us," Shepard says.

Kaidan spares a moment to scowl at Williams, who simply laughs in response, before turning towards his commander to nod. He opens his mouth to reply, but thinks better of it in the end, using his hands instead to gesture vaguely.

"I... My father," he begins, slurring the 'th' sound, "Is American. The people in Vancouver-- also speak English."

Uncertainty slows Kaidan's words. His accent is strong, but his level of comprehension indicates a familiarity with the English language.

"Il n'y a pas beaucoup de francophones dans Vancouver, malheureusement," he adds with another sigh. It almost seems to pain him to speak in French, but his English is halting-- embarrassed.

The air shifts and Shepard can already tell that Williams is itching to make another smart remark. He offers her a civil elbow to the ribs before stepping forward to place a hand on Kaidan's shoulder.

"Don't worry, Alenko," Shepard says with a smile, "It won't be long before we reach the Citadel."

"Ah-- right," Kaidan stammers, returning the smile. "Bien sur."

"Just don't get too attached, Commander," Ashley quips, still grinning, "I know that French is supposed to be the language of love or whatever, and Alenko here is quite the romantic."

Shepard bites back a sigh when Wrex comes forward offering a deck of cards. While only Shepard and Ashley could understand each other, at least poker is a game communicated best through body language.

* * *

When they return from the Citadel, Shepard tracks Kaidan down to his usual spot across from his lockers.

"So-- French, huh?" Shepard starts.

Kaidan prickles. It's best presented visually with Kaidan's biotics, but at this point, Shepard can recognize the gesture as it washes over his shoulders and back.

"Yeah..." Kaidan looks up, turning his back to the screen he'd been examining. He braces himself against it, elbows straight. "I mean, I understand English pretty well. Grew up with it. But Mom's native to Quebec, so me and her have always spoken to each other in French. I had to learn English when we moved to Vancouver, but when I was sent to BAaT, the crowd there was too small and diverse to go without translators. So I gave up on English altogether. Speaking it, at least."

Shepard nods. A corner of his lip rises when he speaks. "It sounds pretty good though. Not exactly the way it sounds on the vids, but..."

With a breathy chuckle, Kaidan fiddles with something on his collar. "Êtes-vous ébloui, Commandant? Parce que vous me stupéfiez, après la galaxie et au-delà de ça. J'ai pas les mots pour vous decrire... Vous me coupez le souffle. Toujours."

"What did Ash say about getting me attached, Lieutenant?" Shepard asks, bending slightly at the waist to inch closer to his companion.

"C'est pas ma responsabilité, Commandant," Kaidan responds with a smirk. "Si vous avez un faible pour le français, c'est pas mon problème. En réalité, c'est mon avantage."

"There's something wrong with a lieutenant stringing his commanding officer along..." Shepard murmurs. His eyes never leave Kaidan's as he continues to eliminate the distance between their bodies little by little. He lifts an arm to rest his elbow by Kaidan's shoulder, using the screen for leverage.

"Habituellement, je préfère suivre les réglementations, mais je pense que je vous préfère pour le moment, Commandant." Kaidan tips his chin upwards, his breath falling upon Shepard's curved lips. "Il y a quelque chose dans vos yeux, quelque chose qui dit que I have you right where I want you."

As Shepard's face stretches into a grin, Kaidan's eyes widen. His gaze quickly tracks down one of Shepard's hands by his collar, fingertips ghosting over his clavicle.

"S-Sir," Kaidan chokes, "I..."

"So what, it doesn't count when I can't understand you?" Shepard's hand climbs up from its position by Kaidan's shoulder to cup his jaw. "If you're losing confidence now... You should remember you can't wear the translator to bed."

There's a tremor in Kaidan's throat as he swallows. "Right. Of course, Commander."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The French in this chapter translates as:  
> "Chuis ici": I'm here  
> "Ne me regardez pas comme ça...": don't look at me like that  
> "Ouais, j'ai dit ça, mais je grandissais dans Quebec": yeah, I said that, but I grew up in Quebec  
> "Je pensais pas que ce serait important...": I didn't think it'd be important  
> "Il n'y a pas beaucoup de francophones dans Vancouver, malheureusement": there aren't a lot of french speaking people in Vancouver, unfortunately  
> "Bien sur": of course  
> "Êtes-vous ébloui, Commandant? Parce que vous me stupéfiez, après la galaxie et au-delà de ça. J'ai pas les mots pour vous decrire... Vous me coupez le souffle. Toujours.": are you dazzled, Commander? because you amaze me, past the galaxy and beyond. i don't have the words to describe you. you take my breath away. always.  
> "C'est pas ma responsabilité, Commandant": it's not my responsibility  
> "Si vous avez un faible pour le français, c'est pas mon problème. En réalité, c'est mon avantage.": if you have a weakness for french, it's not my problem. actually, it's my advantage.  
> "Habituellement, je préfère suivre les réglementations, mais je pense que je vous préfère pour le moment, Commandant.": usually, i prefer to follow regulations, but i think i prefer you right now  
> "Il y a quelque chose dans vos yeux, quelque chose qui dit que": there's something in your eyes, something that says that


	5. Chapter 5

**me1: mshenko - shepard's hair growing out**

Shepard is used to receiving strange looks. It comes with the territory of being both a Spectre and an Alliance Commander. Or maybe it just comes with the territory of being himself. Still, it's not an unusual happenstance for him.

It only starts to bother him when the looks aimed at him come from his own crew. With Virmire on the horizon and so much riding on the line, he hasn't had the time to think about much else besides pinning down Saren and the Conduit; the volume of the looks he's been receiving is now starting to reach a peak of taking his attention.

Whenever he walks up to Joker in the cockpit, the pilot raises his eyes to him and bursts into laughter. When Shepard asks about what the hell is so funny, Joker simply shakes his head and dismisses it.

Wrex has a similar reaction. While the krogan is hardly anything approaching jolly, he seems so damn pleased whenever Shepard even walks in his direction.

Ashley can barely keep a straight face. She tries to act normal, with her nicknames and overly rigid, condescending salutes, but the corners of her mouth twitch way too much.

Garrus' purr of a voice falls to an even more smug level. It shimmers and slides through the translator; a subtle enough gesture that Shepard doesn't want to call him out on it, but it gets under his skin nonetheless.

"Having a bad day, Commander?" the turian asks, his mandibles smirking and oh so damnable, "You look like you need some R&R."

Sighing, Shepard crosses his arms over his chest. "And just what makes you say that?"

Garrus waves a lazy arm. "I don't know, sir, you've just-- got this look about you."

"So what do I look like?"

"Like you're having a bad day. Or did you not catch that the first time?" Garrus mimics Shepard's posture, leaning towards the mako. "Sir."

"Dismissed, Vakarian," Shepard spits, storming off in the opposite direction.

When Shepard ascends and exits the elevator doors, Kaidan approaches him. He throws a quick salute, and it's a comforting gesture for two reasons: one, it appeases Kaidan's need to follow regulations, and two, it reminds Shepard that he is, in fact, the one in charge.

"I really hope you don't have any smart remarks up your sleeve, Alenko," Shepard states. It takes some effort to control the curl of his mouth, to keep his lips from forming a scowl.

Kaidan opens his mouth to speak, but only his breath leaves his body. His eyes flicker upwards, then he's wearing a smirk similar to the one Garrus had been communicating to Shepard just moments before.

"Alright, Alenko, for starters-- this one's 'off the record'," Shepard growls, "So just tell me-- what the hell is so funny?"

His lips draw into a pleased line, sweet and patient; it's a much better look than the smugness he wore before. Stepping forward, Kaidan extends his arms and brings his fingers to rest against Shepard's scalp.

"Commander, have you had time to look in a mirror lately?" Kaidan asks. It's an innocent question, sure, but Shepard's been especially sensitive to criticism from his crew recently.

"No." The commander takes a deep breath to rein in his temper. "Why?"

"Well, that explains things." Kaidan wiggles his fingers. "You're in need of a haircut, Commander."

* * *

It's the first time Kaidan's seeing Shepard's cabin. The Spectre observes his lieutenant with tired yet amused eyes. He's weary, having to deal with both Saren and his ill-behaved crew, but now he's resigned to appreciate having someone who won't bullshit him for the sake of entertainment.

Well-- that's Shepard's initial reaction. While he's used to receiving odd looks, he understands that there's also some unspoken territory his crew doesn't want to breach; even if something seems amiss about Shepard, they don't want to bother him. It also comes with the whole Spectre and commanding officer thing, he supposes.

But Kaidan? At least Shepard is confident enough in their relationship that he can trust the lieutenant to be honest with him-- to a certain extent.

To be honest, he's still not sure where they lie on the 'relationship' spectrum, though he hopes it's somewhere between 'good friends' and 'more than friends'.

Kaidan flutters from Shepard's desk to his night stand and then to his bathroom. 

"Are you sure you just don't want to tell me where you've left it, sir?" he asks.

"Lieutenant, if I knew where it was, don't you think I would have taken care of the problem already?"

A sigh floats into the atmosphere. "Of course, Commander."

Closing his eyes, Shepard falls onto his bed. Maybe he does need a little R&R. It's not like him to get distracted enough to forget about his hair.

From the bathroom, Kaidan makes a sound of discovery. He pops his head out of the doorway, grinning as he waves the electric razor in the air.

Shepard can't help the smile that stretches his lips in response, but at the same time, he's not inclined to move. "Kaidan, I'm afraid I've become incapacitated. If you want to get the job done, you'll have to carry me there."

Shepard almost bursts into laughter as Kaidan's triumphant expression falls.

"W-Wait, what?" The razor dangles by the wire down Kaidan's fingers.

"You heard me."

The appliance continues to slide through Kaidan's slack grip. Just before gravity gets the better of it, he scrambles to right its position in his hands, quick to seize the opportunity to look away from his commander.

Kaidan steps out of the bathroom. He knots his fingers in the razor's wire. "Sir, I don't think... It hardly seems... appropriate..."

With a few breathless chuckles, Shepard hauls himself onto his feet. "Got you good, didn't I?"

Kaidan rolls his eyes out of his skull. "Yes, you certainly did, Commander."

Shepard walks past him and into the bathroom. He sits on the counter, back to the sink and mirror, then waves the lieutenant closer. Kaidan is hesitant, but not one to disobey orders, even silent ones.

"Sir, you're... kind of too tall for me to reach when you sit up there," Kaidan states.

Shepard waves him closer still. With a surreptitious gaze, Kaidan looks around before stepping in towards the counter.

Once Kaidan is in range, Shepard sets his elbows on Kaidan's shoulders, relaxing his own as he does so.

"Let me enjoy the moment, won't you?" Shepard murmurs, drawing in his companion. Soon enough, Kaidan is close enough so that Shepard can rest his cheek against his temple, fingers tangling in the hair at the base of Kaidan's skull.

Tension stiffens Kaidan's shoulders at first, but eventually he gives in to Shepard's touch. Kaidan slips his arms up past Shepard's to mirror his posture, hands going towards Shepard's outgrown hair.

"While you look," Kaidan pauses, "Absolutely _ridiculous_ like this, your hair also feels pretty incredible."

"Fluffy like a cat?" Shepard grins, his cheek shifting against Kaidan's head.

"Just like the one I always wanted."

At this point, Shepard is very close to purring as well, with the way Kaidan is petting his head.

"Pity we'll have to get rid of it, then." Shepard untangles their arms and holds out his hand.

Kaidan sets the razor in his palm. "With all due respect, the fluffiness is not worth how damn ridiculous you look." As an after thought: "Sir."

"It was a cute thought while it lasted."

Shepard hops down from the counter before plugging in the razor. He looks up at his reflection and sees hair that's about two inches too long, standing up from his scalp like an overgrown lawn. With a breathy chuckle, he runs a hand through it.

After a few strokes, Shepard's hair is the neat buzz-cut it usually is. While he clears out the sink, Kaidan chooses that moment to press against Shepard's back, hands going over his scalp again.

"Where'd you get this scar from?" Kaidan asks, smoothing a fingertip over the one at his hairline.

"Arcturus. Someone wasn't too pleased about my... background."

"The Tenth Street Reds, right?"

Shepard hums. "Yeah."

Once the mess is dealt with, Shepard spins in Kaidan's hold. When they stand face to face, Shepard can pick out the blush on the lieutenant's face, and it only brightens as his eyes flit over Kaidan's features.

"It seems you, uh--" Kaidan pauses to swallow a lump in his throat. "Didn't really need my help after all, did you, sir?"

A grin pulls at Shepard's lips. "What do you mean? You found my razor, didn't you?"

Kaidan's responding laugh is airy, incredulous. "I suppose I'll take credit for that one."

"Good man."

Kaidan's fingers run over Shepard's hair one last time before he pulls away. But just before he steps out of Shepard's personal space, Shepard steals a taste of Kaidan's lips, a short and sweet press of their mouths.

"I... I should go." Kaidan's voice is rough when he speaks, taking on a coarse quality. "I mean-- I think we've both been up here a little too long now."

With a weary smile, Shepard swipes a hand over his newly-shaved head. "Yeah. I'll catch up to you soon, Lieutenant."

Kaidan throws a salute. "Commander."

As Kaidan exits his cabin, Shepard can't help but track down his movements over to the elevator. While he hates to see Kaidan go, he'll admit that he loves to watch him walk away.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I edited this on mobile, so I'm sorry if formatting looks weird. I'll take a look at it when I have access to my computer again.

**me3: garrus, tali, kaidan, liara - reflections before priority: earth**

Kaidan is close to pressing his forehead against the glass in front of him, knowing it will provide a minor comfort in its cool temperature. His headaches are a part of him now, a part of his waking moments, a part of his consciousness, and while he's learned to live with it, it doesn't make stress management any easier.

The doors to the observation deck slide open. Kaidan's about to give Shepard a piece of his mind about the Commander's methods of stress relief, but when he turns around, his visitors turn to be just that: plural, and not, in fact, Commander Shepard.

"Guys," he breathes, addressing Liara, Garrus, and Tali. The three squad members make themselves comfortable on the sofa facing the window. Kaidan settles against the frame, leaning his weight against it before crossing his arms.

"And to what do I owe the pleasure?" he asks, raising his eyebrows.

Communicating a grin, Garrus holds up a few bottles of beer. "One last bout of loving camaraderie, Major."

Tucked into the crook of Garrus' arm, Tali hugs cans of dextro beer to her chest, designated for her and her newly found lover. "While we still have the chance," she adds.

Liara, on the other hand, leans slightly against Tali's shoulder with a cocktail glass in her hand. An umbrella sticks out of it.

Kaidan gestures to it with his chin. "Did Traynor make you that?"

She beams. "Yes. When she saw us leaving the mess with alcohol, she couldn't help herself."

With a short chuckle, Kaidan leans forward to take one of Garrus' offered beers. The turian leaves the rest on the cushion beside him as he realizes that Kaidan is comfortable standing up.

There's a collective hiss and buzz as the drinks are opened. Liara looks serene, almost content as she noses the umbrella in her drink.

"So this is it, huh?" Kaidan sighs and glances out the window. "Years serving under Commander Shepard and here we are, about to take on-- well, the universe, I guess."

"Now that you've summed it all up, I don't think we'll have anything left to talk about," Garrus comments.

For a second, Kaidan considers resisting the urge to roll his eyes, but hey-- this is the end of the world, he might as well allow himself simple pleasures.

"It's been a hell of a ride," Tali states. She pauses to look down at her lap. "From the original SSV Normandy to the Cerberus resurrection to taking on the Reapers... And there's nowhere else I'd rather be."

The name 'Cerberus' still strikes a chord in Kaidan's nerves. And with the way Tali curls her tongue around it through the translator is enough evidence that it resonates with her, too. Kaidan glances over to Liara, whose mouth is set in a blue line, and knows that she feels the same.

"Even now, I wish I'd joined you back when you saved Horizon," Kaidan admits. He weakens that train of thought with a sip of beer. "I just hope that this last push has... made up for it, somehow."

"Kaidan, you've done more than enough." Liara holds out a hand to him and he finally moves to settle on the sofa with his crewmates. When their fingers touch, a ripple of energy tickles his skin; while only a whisper of her potential danger, it contains the warmth and passion that Kaidan has come to associate with Liara after all these years. "Just being there for Shepard now, after all that's happened..."

"It's more than he bet on, that's for sure," Garrus finishes. He leans forward to level a look at Kaidan, a determined manipulation of mandibles and facial horns that communicates more than the translators ever could. "Cerberus has been a damn thorn in our side from the very beginning, but even the smallest splinters can be an endeavor to extract."

"Yeah," Tali agrees, "It... It was a mess. Everything involved with that mission was a mess. Harbinger was the creepiest stalker I've ever seen, not to mention the biggest, and the crew members? Jacob was probably the only sane one out of all of them."

"I do recall a dashing turian being on that roster. I think they called him 'Archangel'. Kind of a cool name, if you ask me."

"I think I like to call him 'trying too hard'," Tali retaliates, though her tone is light. "Anyways-- yes, we could have used your help, Kaidan, but being here now is worth everything."

The condensation from the beer bottle is cool on Kaidan's fingers. He lifts the water to the back of his neck with a sigh. "Can't really change the past, anyways..."

"But you can change the future," Liara insists, "For the better."

A collective hum of agreement fills the room.

"What was it like?" Kaidan leans forward, balancing his elbows on his knees. "Working with Cerberus, I mean. Back there we saw some pretty awful people, but there were guys like Jacob and Dr. Cole working with them, too."

"It was--" Tali inhales, long and sharp, and gestures vaguely with her beer can.

"It wasn't working with Cerberus, for me," Garrus says, picking up where Tali leaves off, "It was working with Shepard again. It was fighting the Collectors. The Reapers were doing spirits know what, but the Collectors were our next best bet. They were our only lead, and who knew if they wouldn't go after, say, the turians once they were done with humans?"

"Cerberus is on its way to hell now, and really, the best thing they've ever done was bring Shepard back." As she plays with the tab on her drink, Tali continues, "I couldn't stand the idea of working with them. But Shepard? He needed the help, and whatever I could do, I did. He..." Raising her head, she aims a look at Kaidan, and while he can't see her eyes through her helmet, he can feel the heat in her gaze burning a hole in him. "It was bad enough to work with Cerberus, but not only was he trapped in a crappy situation, he basically owed his life to them. I could tell that... That just being there was a comfort. And I was happy to play that role."

"I'd do it a hundred times over," Garrus says, powerful and insistent, "Being there for him sometimes feels like the best I can do for the galaxy. He doesn't break down, at least not in front of us, and whether it's for our sake or for his I can never tell. But I'll be damned if I ever leave him."

Such fierce loyalty from his squadmates warms Kaidan more than alcohol could ever achieve. His veins pulse with fire - anger at the Illusive Man, anger at the Reapers, anger at himself. But it burns with admiration as well, a blue flame reserved for his courageous companions.

"Why don't you get married, then?" Tali teases. Her words ease out some tension from the atmosphere, allowing Kaidan to expand his chest with lighter breaths.

"I'm pretty sure I saw him first," Kaidan says.

"That you did." Liara pokes a gentle elbow into his ribs. "You served on the Normandy before any of us. You were the first one to see him in action."

With a laugh, Kaidan nods. "Yeah. He was-- a force to be reckoned with for sure."

"You had a crush on Shepard too, at one point," Garrus says to Liara, wearing a smile of his own.

Liara's cheeks seem to glow. The blue matches her biotics. "You're the only one who hasn't, I think," she says, but the force in her tone gives away her indignation.

Tali's breath escapes her filters in a few laughs. "I'm sure he's only with me to convince himself he doesn't have a thing for Shepard."

"Hey, I resent that!"

The four break down into giggles. Kaidan waves for another beer and Garrus indulges him.

"While I also regret not being able to help Shepard fight off the Collectors, I did have quite a lot on my hands at the time." Liara plays with the umbrella sitting in her empty glass. "I helped him as much as I could from my position."

"That yahg was one hell of a fighter, I'll give him that," Garrus comments, nodding to himself, "And you did give us some vital information."

"But she also knows things no one has the right to know," Tali sneers, pointing a few digits at the asari, "And if anyone besides Shepard gets word of--"

"That Nerve-Stim program?" Garrus grins, stretching his scars, "I'm afraid you're hardly a threat compared to those Reapers, darling."

"You  _bosh'tet_."

Kaidan lifts his eyebrows. "Did you have anything on me?"

With a smile, Liara hefts a newly acquired beer bottle. "Wouldn't you like to know." When she brings it to her lips to take a sip, her brow twitches for a moment then smooths out, a wave of blue washing over her body.

"That's why I asked, you know."

Sighing, Liara puts down her drink by her foot. "I monitored you through a few of my sources in the Alliance Navy. While you weren't as much as a priority as Shepard at the time, I was keeping track of your advances through the ranks." Extending her arm, she calls up her omni-tool, exhibiting a few documents and news stories. "Spectre Kaidan Alenko."

"When this is over and done with," Garrus starts, "I ought to get re-evaluated for Spectre status. Then the three of us could hit the galaxy like a couple of hotshots."

"Way to third-wheel, Vakarian," Tali says around her straw.

Garrus blinks. "Damn," is all he says.

"With both of us on the field, no one stands a chance," Kaidan grins, "But, ah, maybe we'll-- maybe we'll settle down. One day."

"White picket fence and all that?" Garrus asks.

"You know it." With a wistful smile, Kaidan glances out the window. Although he doesn't consider himself much of a family man, Kaidan can admit that the idea of spending time alone with Shepard doing things that aren't weighed down by the pressure of the galaxy is appealing. Plus, he has to make good on that promise to himself to take his mom out. Maybe he can introduce her - more or less formally - to Shepard.

"For sure, after all this, I have to go back to Rannoch to continue its restoration," Tali states, "Then maybe I can work on my own kind of white picket fence deal."

Beside her, Garrus hums. "Palaven will need help, too. And... Maybe I can catch up with my family."

Liara's breath catches in her chest. "Oh, Thessia..." Unfortunately, no one on board needs a reminder of what happened on Thessia.

Each of them has their own part of the galaxy to come home to. And while Kaidan would be delighted to assist them, Earth needed some fixing up, too. It really is such a mess... But it's also their responsibility. If they don't right things, who else will?

"Well, _that_  got depressing fast." Tali's speech is interrupted by the slurp of her straw.

"I propose we make a deal, then," Liara says, glancing at her companions.

Garrus cocks his head to the side, an appraising look. "I hope this doesn't have too many dire consequences, Shadow Broker." 

Her eyes narrow. "I'm being serious, Garrus."

"Alright, alright, I'm listening."

The sound of Liara's steadying breath is cooling on the senses, that tingling calm she brings so easily to any conversation. "When this is over... When everything is said and done, when everything's accounted for and dealt with, we must promise to come back."

"What, and have another party like the one back at the Citadel?" Kaidan inquires.

The asari throws up her hands. "Yes. Sure. But I want your word that you will return to me. I--" Her voice falls into quivering feedback through the translator, pulling at Kaidan's heart through his throat. "I can't imagine what I'd be without you. All of you."

There's not a moment of hesitation as Tali and Kaidan reach for Liara's hands. Behind their backs, Garrus extends an arm to brush his fingers against Liara's shoulders, her neck.

A strong wave of nostalgia washes over Kaidan. It's similar to the moment before Ilos, traveling to the Mu Relay to face what could be certain death. Ash's death had been hard on them then, and it's still hard on them now, but now it's more than that. Now it's Thane, now it's Mordin, now it's Legion, now it's Palaven and Rannoch and Thessia and Earth. Now it's the entire galaxy... And Kaidan's sure he would have choked by now had it not been for the three at his side right now.

Liara doesn't have a family to come home to, or to mourn or put to rest. She barely has a home-world to return to. Kaidan's proud to call her his sister in arms, and-- well, more than that, definitely. They're family, there's no doubt about it.

"Of course, Liara," Garrus says in a low breath, whistling slightly through his mouth, "how could I say no to you? You have my word."

"And mine," Tali adds, "You don't even need to ask. Just tell me and I'll be there."

Kaidan squeezes Liara's fingers, sending a pulse of energy through their connection. "Us biotics have to stick together, right? It's been us since day one; you can always come to me."

A hiccup escapes Liara's lips. "Thank you, my friends. It... It means the world to me to have your support."

Garrus pops open a new beer for himself and Tali, then raises his own. "Here's to sentimental, drunk biotics."

Tali smacks him on the unscathed side of his head with the side of her can. "Here's to being an ass in order to serve as comedy relief."

"And here's to serving on the Normandy," Kaidan says with a smile, moving his arm to sling it over Liara's shoulders. His hand bumps Garrus', but neither of them move.

"To the Normandy," comes the responding chorus.

* * *

In a few hours, Kaidan has slept off the buzz of the alcohol. Liara's head lies cushioned on Kaidan's thigh, the rest of her body sprawled out over Tali's lap and spilling over towards the floor. Both Garrus and Tali lean their heads together, chests rising and falling with their quiet, calm breaths. 

The doors to the observation deck slide open. True to their military training, or otherwise violence-inclined lifestyle, the occupants of the room stir at the sound. 

Footsteps fall evenly across the floor. When Kaidan looks up, he can't help the smile that crosses his face when he recognizes his commander standing before him. 

Shepard casts a look at his surroundings. His eyebrows rise when his gaze flickers over empty beer bottles and cans. 

Using his biotics, Kaidan lifts the abandoned umbrella from Liara's drink and offers it to Shepard. The Commander takes it, then twirls it between his fingers. 

"Celebrating our victory already?" Shepard asks, voice sharp yet not entirely unkind. "Never took the lot of you for slackers."

Liara hums and Kaidan feels the vibration in his bones. "That's because we are not," she responds, sitting up. Extending her arms to her commander, she adds, "We were recalling moments in the past, Shepard. Moments serving with you. The blessed moments being with you, knowing you."

"Getting sentimental, I see," Shepard murmurs. He takes a step forward to take Liara's hands into his. "I guess even the Shadow Broker has a soft side."

"That's exactly what I was saying," Garrus interjects, "Before things got wild. I hardly remember anything. You said there was a victory?"

"Oh shut up, Vakarian," Tali chides, adjusting her posture so that she sits upright and towards her commander. "Liara's right, Shepard. It's been an honor."

"A privilege indeed," Kaidan concludes. He stretches an arm towards Shepard as well, and when their hands meet, he pulls Shepard down to sit next to him. 

Wearing a small smile, Shepard turns to Liara first, resting an arm around her shoulders. He brings a hand to the crown of her head, his touch gentle, reassuring. 

"Keep me in your thoughts out there today," Shepard tells her, "Remember everything we've been through and let it make you stronger. We didn't get this far just to lose. We'll win this thing for Earth, for Thessia, for-- hell, the whole galaxy. For the future of anyone who wants to live freely."

Exhaling, Liara bows her head. "Wise words I will certainly keep with me." She nuzzles into Shepard's hand, then stands, taking his hand into hers one last time as she stares down at him. "Thank you, Shepard. For everything."

Shepard sends a sliver of biotic power down her wrist. "Thank you, Liara. Give 'em hell out there today."

A wry smile captures her lips as she nods to her commander. Next, she touches Tali's shoulder, then Garrus', and in a moment's notice she disappears, a shadow in the room and into the corridor. The only sign she had even been in the room is the umbrella in Shepard's hand.

Garrus looks from Kaidan to Shepard. A short breath whistles through the translator as he brings himself to his feet.  "Well, I've got some-- calibrations to do. As usual," he says, the last words coming out in a rush as if to avoid anyone interrupting him, "It's been a pleasure, Shepard. One hell of a ride."

And with that, he follows Liara's trail. Simple sentiments, but they're clear and ring true to the common feeling resonating with everyone in the room.

Tali's breath hitches as she takes Shepard's hand. "This isn't goodbye, dammit. It'll be goodbye when it's damn well time, okay? And that'll be... Years down the line. You'll be greying and I'll be out of this suit and... It'll be right. Okay?"

Her voice wavers, wet and thick with emotion. With a huff, she stands and puts her hands on her hips. "So yeah. I'll see you on the other side, Shepard."

The quarian all but flees from the room, keeping her head down all the while.

Heaving a heavy sigh, Shepard sits back, stretching his arms over the back of the couch. His eyes are trained on the vast galaxy before them, gaze aimlessly wandering the expanse of the observation window.

There's a prickling at the base of Kaidan's head. Reflexively, he brings a hand up to rub the spot, but in a matter of seconds Shepard's bullying his hand out of place with his own. Kaidan's body surrenders to Shepard's touch and he melts towards his lover. Shepard meets him halfway there, supoorting Kaidan's weight with his own. The commander's body is reliable, tangible, real, the exact thing Kaidan needs to feel.

"No teary words of farewell, Major?" Shepard asks with a hint of a smile.

A short breath of a laugh tumbles out of Kaidan's mouth. "I think, after all this time, I've finally run short of those."

"Well, I'd understand if you feel a little one-upped by Tali. Those were some pretty powerful words."

"Yeah," Kaidan says, the word slow and absent as it leaves his tongue. 

There's not much left to say. They'll be back on Earth - back home - in a matter of hours. Whatever Kaidan has to say is jumbled and incomprehensible. It's-- it is what it is, and there's not much he can do at this point to change that. At most, what he can do is hope, as well as lend his strength whenever Shepard calls for it. 

Shepard's knee is warm and solid against Kaidan's. They sit facing each other, one leg on the sofa and one dangling off the edge. It doesn't take long for Shepard to fix that, as he's wont to do, pulling Kaidan onto his lap. 

This is what Kaidan needs right now. He needs warmth and tangibility and Shepard, firm and strong under his touch. His fingers find purchase in the back of Shepard's fatigues and his feet cross behind Shepard's waist. 

"I think I'd like to visit more of Canada when this is over," Shepard states, his voice muffled slightly by Kaidan's shoulder. 

For an instant, Kaidan hears his heartbeat throb loud and clear in his chest.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Those are pretty big words. They sound almost like a promise; maybe hope for one, hope for an opportunity for another opportunity. Maybe to make up for lost time. 

"Maybe you ought to check out Toronto. Or maybe Quebec City. The big places."

Shepard turns his face into Kaidan's neck.  "I think I'd like that."

It's not much, but still leagues' worth all at once. Something to fight for, motivation to fight as hard as he damn well can to make sure it happens. What's even better is knowing that Shepard will fight for it too, just as hard or maybe moreso. 

They could make it a competition. Even if the winner won't matter, at least the prize would be something they'll both enjoy. 


	7. Chapter 7

**me2: mshenko - shepard after horizon**

 One of Shepard's favorite upgrades to the Normandy - and the list is rather short - is the larger space allocated to the captain's cabin. It offers him room to breathe as he seeks privacy. And after the mess at Horizon, his lungs are aching for relief, for the soothing sensation of air through his tense ribcage.

Even hours after the fact, Shepard feels an echo through his bones as his heart beats wildly in his chest. It rings hollow, just like his words, just like his beliefs and thoughts regarding...

 Well, everything.

 Kaidan's right. He's acting out of obligation to the Illusive Man - after all, he brought Shepard back to life. He literally owes the Illusive Man his life. Sure, Miranda may have led the project, but ultimately, Cerberus is the Illusive Man's manifestation of his goals and ambitions; Shepard's second life happens to fall under that category.

 John Shepard, a Cerberus project. John Shepard, former Systems Alliance Commander and the first human Spectre. The two ideas don't line up in the slightest.

 And maybe that's why Kaidan _reacted_. Maybe that's why Shepard couldn't find the words to calm him down.

 That's always been Kaidan's gimmick, his defining behavior: keeping his cool. Years of taming his temper and his emotions have led to the remarkable soldier he is today. But the man out there on Horizon-- that had been a broken man.

 Shepard won't lie: he'd been hoping that... That Kaidan would welcome him with open arms. That he would come back into Shepard's waiting arms. And he did, for the first few moments where relief outweighed the betrayal. But the name _Cerberus_ leaves a sour taste on the tongue and even their past couldn't wash the flavor out of Kaidan's mouth.

Or maybe it only heightened his senses, leaving him sensitive to the acid of _John Shepard, Cerberus project_.

 He misses him. He misses Kaidan like that torn off limb Kaidan had described, fingers twitching somewhere out there in the galaxy, separated from still-tender neurons and carved out joints. He misses the static of Kaidan's biotics, the sly looks across the battlefield, the slight hesitation before entering his cabin because fraternization exists and Kaidan's a career man. He misses the security both in the bedroom and on the battlefield, his back covered with supporting fire and supporting hands.

 The mission always comes first and Shepard understands the gravity of his mission, but is it so much to ask for help? Something stable, steady... The new team is exactly that: new. And while Shepard takes pride in his adaptation skills, the adjustment period can be a long process and it certainly doesn't help his cause.

 Distantly, minor static from his private comm terminal cuts through the air.

 "Commander," Yeoman Chambers' voice filters through the speakers, "Garrus Vakarian wants to see you in your chambers. In fact, he's--"

 "Shepard," Garrus interrupts. Shepard can imagine him pushing the yeoman aside to access the terminal and a small smile tugs at his lips. "I can hear you thinking yourself to death all the way in the battery, and since you're not coming down, I'm going to assume you want me to come up there. It's flattering, really, to have such a kind and clear invitation, so don't look so surprised when I come knocking on your door."

 A brief moment of silence passes through the room. Then the static comes back to life as Chambers accesses the comm again, "...Sorry, Commander."

 Shepard has half a mind to respond to reassure the poor woman, but really, Garrus isn't his responsibility - not entirely, and definitely not right now - and getting up from his bed doesn't seem appealing in the least.

 At least the elevator is quick. Shepard taps at his omni-tool to let Garrus in when a metallic clang echoes through the room and Shepard imagines Garrus' three-fingered, gloved hands gathering the gall to _knock_.

 The doors slide open and the turian stands there, his scarred mandibles flaring for a second as he prepares to speak. He looks _awkward_ for a moment, but then he inhales, sharp and steadying, then takes a few steps into the room.

 "This is quite a mess we've gotten ourselves into, hmm, Shepard?" he says.

 Shepard sits up a little, but he doesn't need to look presentable for Garrus. They've seen each other at some low moments, and this has become one for the count.

 "I thought that's how you liked it," Shepard replies.

 Garrus chuckles, approaching Shepard's fish tank. He peers at its contents, raising a hand to follow a moving fish with his finger. "The messes I prefer are more bloody and less... You know."

 The word on the tip of his tongue is _emotional_ and Shepard isn't sure if he wants to grin or sigh.

 Shepard could argue. He could point out all the contrived ways Garrus has brought his own brand of justice to the guilty, he could point out his past with C-Sec and his father, he could point out Garrus' response to Kaidan as well. But he won't.

 Garrus takes a few steps closer to Shepard, though he refuses to leave the fish.

 "Yeah," Shepard says instead, "I know." He moves to settle his elbows on his knees before continuing, "So to what do I owe the pleasure, Garrus?"

 Garrus snorts. "Just a routine check up, no need to get nervous. I've heard three fingers go down better than your humans' five."

 A disbelieving laugh bubbles through Shepard's throat. "Okay, now I really am nervous. I don't think I want to ask where exactly these fingers are going."

 "Anywhere you want them, _Commander_."

 Now Shepard laughs genuinely, brightly. "The concern's touching. Sweet, really."

 "I don't think it's worth getting an allergic reaction over, Shepard," Garrus responds, grinning widely with his mandibles.

 "Are you flirting with me?" Shepard asks.

 "Depends." Garrus stands at the foot of Shepard's bed now. " _Is_ it worth the allergic reaction?"

 "Good lord." Shepard scrubs a hand over his face. "I don't think the fraternization will go down well with the rest of the crew."

 "Well, they'll have to take it, because I saw you first, Shepard." Garrus is still grinning, his arms crossed over his chest.

 Shepard looks up at his companion, his own grin dimming down to a slight smile. Speaking of steady presences... Garrus has been there from the beginning, hasn't he?

 "In a manner of speaking, at least," Garrus continues. His voice lowers, as does his head, his gaze trailing over the bend of his armor, the minor dings and scratches he hasn't had time to deal with yet. Preoccupied, maybe. Worried, maybe. "Just... Shepard..."

 The awkwardness returns. Even back on the original SSV Normandy, Garrus had been about calibrations on the mako and about getting revenge and justice, only serving as support on the battlefield with his sniper rifle. The effort this time around really is touching, calming the echoes in Shepard's bones.

 "I'll be okay." He has to. "I guess it's just... fresher than I thought it'd be."

 "Everything's worse up close," Garrus agrees, "Plus, for you, it hasn't been two years, not really. I thought you, uh-- handled it... pretty well. All things considered."

 "It still could have gone better," Shepard sighs, "I don't... I don't know what I expected." Maybe he wanted things to be exactly as they had been, as if Shepard hadn't died and he didn't owe his second chance to Cerberus. "With the Collectors and Harbinger breathing down my neck, I guess it was hard to see past that."

 What does that make him, then? John Shepard, former Systems Alliance Commander who doesn't care enough about said association that he couldn't even hit up his old boyfriend with a 'hey, how are you?' when life was breathed into his lungs for a miraculous moment.

 No... Not that he didn't want to, it was just that-- he'd been afraid. Two years is a long time and maybe in that time Kaidan would learn that their relationship had been something forged in the heat of the moment, in the heat of the possible end of the world as they knew it. And now, even though the threat has returned - as if it had even dissipated in the first place - the same pressure isn't bringing them together.

 There isn't anything bringing them together anymore, leaving Shepard with a cold and hollow quality in his synthetic skeleton.

 "Hey. You still in there?"

 Shepard blinks. Then a sigh bullies its way out of his lungs as he rubs the bridge of his nose with two fingers.

 "Just think of it this way, Shepard," Garrus continues, "When this is over, you can tell yourself that it was _you_ who saved him. I don't think he'd be able to argue that one, Cerberus or not."

 "Assuming I'll make it out alive," Shepard mutters.

 "Shepard."

 He looks up.

 "Shepard, I know you. You'll make it out alive. In fact, when all of this is over, you owe me a drink," Garrus states with a nod. "Yeah, you and me... We'll get real intimate with the inside of a bottle of whiskey. Or, I suppose, two, since mine will have to be dextro-based."

 "Good to see you planning ahead." Shepard throws a weak punch at Garrus' shoulder.

 "Well, I've gotta have something to look forward to, don't I?" Garrus throws him a pointed look, his head tilted upwards and his mandibles twitching.

 The commander manages a chuckle that sounds more like a resigned puff of breath.

 Talking to Kaidan, setting things right with him... Shepard owes it to Kaidan, and he owes it to himself, too. Even if he has a tendency to ignore his own advice, he could at least try, and maybe even compensate for the time lost between transitions and resurrections and promotions and just... every goddamn obstacle thrown at them. And Shepard has seen an abundance of obstacles in his lifetime.

 "Don't get too lost up in that mind of yours, Shepard," Garrus warns, taking slow, cautious steps back towards the cabin doors, "Or things'll get even uglier. Maybe even worse than these scars of mine."

 All Shepard can manage at this point is a sloppy salute. "Don't worry. The mission always takes priority."

 "Now there's a good man." Garrus returns the salute before disappearing into the elevator.

 The air trembles with the weight of Shepard's heavy breath. No matter what he does, things will get uglier, Shepard is sure of that.


	8. Chapter 8

**me3: joker - destroy ending**

Survivor's guilt should be your middle name. Either that, or stubbornness.

It's not some pride thing, not really. Usually. Mostly. Okay, maybe it is a pride thing, but when all you've got is your goddamn pride, what the fuck are you supposed to do? All you can do is fly, and it continues to be proven every time you fly away from the real problem and into safety.

At least the first time you weren't piloting that damn escape pod.

You try hard to resist the whole martyr thing. Though to be honest, it's not that hard to fulfill that one, seeing as you literally can't do anything but fly. The point of martyring is to sacrifice yourself doing something useful, right? And if the only useful thing you can do is fly, then, well...

You were close this time, damn close. But it would hardly be noble if you killed Shepard's remaining crew to appease your ever growing survivor's guilt.

It's funny, really. The bastard with the brittle bones bargains with death for the umpteenth time and fucking _wins_. Again.

Maybe somewhere along the way, you'd stolen Shepard's luck. It's the only explanation that fits, really.

The funnier part, the damn icing on this shitpie, is that it's not _just_ Shepard this time. While the Normandy is your number one babe, this one had been burrowing closer and closer into your chest. If you think about it, really think about it, it's hardly surprising either, considering the ribs she crawled under could barely be considered an obstacle.

But now she's...

You can still feel the cold press of her metallic lips against yours.

Good fucking luck indeed.


	9. Chapter 9

**me3: shepard and vega - post earth, pre mars, re: kaidan**

He tries hard not to stare. Really, he does.

"You're staring, Vega," Shepard tells him, patient and refusing to look up from cleaning his gun. The Normandy shudders beneath their feet and James' knees stutter as he tries to resist gravity. Well, whatever could be classified as gravity in a vehicle flying through space.

" _You_ stared at his ass, Commander," Vega blurts in response.

Smooth.

That earns him a snort, though Shepard still doesn't look up. "Sometimes you have to enjoy the small things in life." Shepard's hands fall motionless for a moment. "Though I suppose in this case it's not really that small."

"Jesus Christ."

Finally, Shepard puts down his gun and cocks his head at the lieutenant. "Was there something you wanted, Vega?"

"Well--" Surely when James approached his commander, he had something in mind. Unfortunately, he draws a complete blank. "I just-- I don't want some past shit to interfere with the mission. Commander."

"Just because you don't trust Kaidan doesn't mean you can't trust me." Shepard leans against the weapons bench and crosses his arms over his chest. "Unless you're really here to hear about all the dirty details between me and the Major."

"Uh--" James' brain stalls. "No. No thanks. Really. I'm good."

"That's what I thought." Turning his back to James, Shepard hefts his shotgun and examines it under the lamp of the workbench. "Thinking doesn't really suit you, Vega, does it? All things in good time, Lieutenant."

He really shouldn't have asked.

The door to the elevator opens and the Major in question steps in. His eyes immediately train on Shepard and James can feel sweat build under his armor.

He really, really doesn't want to know, but the way Alenko's eyes slip under the layers of Shepard, armor and synthetic and Spectre alike, sends a shiver down James' spine. His eyes flit to the elevator door. It's too late for an escape - they're sure to land on Mars any time now.

However, contrary to James' strong belief that he's about to see his commander debauched in front of him, Alenko comes to a stop a few feet behind Shepard and puts his hands on his hips. Alenko leans his weight on one foot and remains still, a very controlled action. From his position, James can see Kaidan's jaw work, the gears in his head moving overtime.

So maybe he's not doomed after all. James figures he can withstand maybe an hour tops of his two superior officers having eye-sex with each other. No problemo.

While he thinks he's seen worse, he's actually kind of reluctant to add witness to fraternization to his list of accomplishments.

"Approaching Mars, Commander," Joker states over the comm system, "ETA ten minutes. Better suit up."

James releases a breath he doesn't realize he'd been holding. Neither Shepard or Alenko turn to look at him.

This is gonna be a long mission.


	10. Chapter 10

**me2 - liara: thinking about shepard**

You're not in love with him. Really, you're not. That wouldn't be fair to Shepard, or Kaidan, or Feron, or yourself, really. You just... Well, you can't deny that you love him. You're just not in love with him.

Right. Yes. Of course.

You rub at your eyes, feeling the sting of your fatigue echo through your skull. It tingles through your neurons and you shake your head a bit.

When had been the last time you slept? That nap at your desk earlier doesn't count. Unfortunately, you can't remember the last time you really stopped to rest your body.

But it's fine. You're made for this. Your body is built for late nights, eyes glued to screens, fingers tapping away at keys keeping track of nuances of numbers and letters. Except now you've moved on from ambiguous data on an extinct and, dare you say it, mysterious species. Now you're buried up to your nose in dirt on aliens all across council space and beyond.

Previously, you never considered yourself to be especially sheltered, but the past two years have exposed you to things you'd never even dreamed of in your century of living.

And it's all for him. Even to this day, you keep track of his movements. Working with - for? no, never - Cerberus, revival a success, currently moving across the terminus systems looking for a way to stop the Collectors. Your sources are thorough, although you can trust them about as far as you can throw them.

It's a curious thought. Your life had been so uneventful until Shepard found you in that bubble. But shortly after that, you'd seen things you'll never forget, the top of which involved the end of your mother's life. The rogue Spectre had truly been a sight to behold, not to mention the encounter with Sovereign, the chill that rolls down your spine at the mere whisper of his voice in the back of your brain.

Then, during those days, weeks, months, _then_ you had truly been living. You'd been truly alive and fighting for the chance for others to breathe the same air as you.

And now... Now the air around you is stale. The door only opens to allow your assistant in - a new one, you have yet to learn her name - and even then it's only for moments at a time.

You're not in love with him. Yes, you love him, of course, he's the one who brought you to the world of the living, a life beyond ruins and texts and staggering solitude. You could never thank him enough, not even if you thanked him every second of every day you lived (including the days you lived beyond his lifespan), and that's why you're doing this. Not because you're _in love_ with him.

You can't afford to be in love with anyone.


	11. Chapter 11

**me2: garrus and tali - post haestrom; catching up**

 

The thing about serving on a human ship - aside from all the humans of course - is that there's never enough dextro food stocked up.

 

Luckily for Tali, Garrus' arrival prior to hers means that there's at least _some_ dextro food. In fact, as she peers into the food storage in the mess, there's even some food filtered fit for a quarian's consumption. That's cute. But whether she has Shepard or Garrus to thank for that, she's uncertain.

 

"Ms. Nar Rayya."

 

Speaking of Garrus.

 

"That's vas Neema to you, Vakarian," Tali responds, turning around with a container of food in her hands. She taps the top of it before adding, "Though I'm already starting to hear calls of 'vas Normandy' from the Fleet..."

 

Garrus tilts his head, favoring his unscarred side. "I'm no expert on quarian culture, but I'm assuming that's worse than it sounds."

 

With a sigh, Tali comes forward to place her food on the counter. Garrus meets her on the other side, leaning his weight against the counter.

 

"It's... Well, I'm sure you understand the kind of crap you get from working with Shepard. With the Alliance. But turians don't have it nearly as bad."

 

Garrus shrugs. "I've always been kind of an outcast, you see, so I'm used to it by now."

 

A snort filters through Tali's helmet. "Right. So imagine that, but three times worse. The Fleet... We're a social species, you know, we rely on each other for many, many things. To be considered an outcast not only excludes you on a social level, but it leads to things like smaller rations, limits on resources, restricted access..."

 

"Well, if you really are staying here for good, it-- shouldn't be so bad, right?"

 

The twitch in Garrus' mandibles and the waver in his tone are enough to tell Tali he's trying, at the very least.

 

She reaches out to flick the crack in Garrus' armor. "So what the hell did I miss?"

 

A laugh clatters through Garrus' throat. "Oh, that? You know, run of the mill mission... for Archangel."

 

"Oh no. Is this going to be a story? I'm going to need some food in me if you're going to start one of those."

 

Tali roots around the kitchen for a knife to pry open her food. Then she settles for a spoon with some points in the top to stir the contents of the container. It's some brownish green mush that's far from appetizing, but considering she's making her home out of a human ship, it's a lot better than what she would normally expect.

 

A minor flinch ripples through Garrus' suit as he watches slop drip from Tali's eating utensil.

 

"'Filtered' is about as far as you get from gourmet dextro food, isn't it?" he asks, replacing his weight against the counter.

 

Grinning, Tali waves the spoon-like tool at her companion. "Oh yeah. The thick slide of it through the straw is the best part by far."

 

The color in Garrus' scales pales. To help hold back her laughter, Tali occupies herself with searching for a straw that might help with the whole ingestion deal.

 

"You can start the story, by the way," Tali clarifies, her voice bouncing against the metal of the counter, "Something about a guardian angel? Fighting against crime and justice to bring fairness to the unfortunate, something like that?"

 

There's a twitch in Garrus' horns and Tali grins to herself. The way Garrus' eyes also twitch in their sockets give her a sneaking suspicion that, despite her helmet, he knows that she's wearing such a shit-eating expression.

 

"That's a story for another day," Garrus informs her, "I was going to tell you how the dream team was brought back together.

 

That gets a laugh out of Tali. "The 'dream team'. Keelah, how long have you been sitting on that one?"

 

"What, you don't think Shepard and I make a 'dream team'? When we're together, we're pretty much unstoppable," Garrus responds, tone smug.

 

Tali clicks her tongue against her teeth. "I think I'd rather hear about how long you've been harboring this crush on Shepard."

 

"Don't tell me you're jealous."

 

"Now you really _are_ dreaming, Vakarian."

 

Garrus touches his brow with two fingers. "Why are you so determined to derail my story, vas Neema?"

 

Tali beams at that one.  "You're too easy. Just tell me how you got the scars already."

 

As the slosh of nutrients travels up Tali's straw and into her system, she listens intently as Garrus recalls a dramatic story that involved a lot of idiots on Omega, a lot of sniping, and some stairs. She nods when appropriate, and decides she's mildly impressed when he finishes.

 

"So how often did you contemplate shooting Shepard in the head to see if he would live?" Tali asks, gesturing with her eating utensil.

 

Ducking his head a bit, Garrus grins. "Oh, I don't know. Too many to count. It was like seeing a ghost, you know. I could hardly believe it."

 

"Hm. Tell me about it. I actually ran into him before you guys came to see me on Haestrom," Tali states, "Me and my squad were looking for someone on Freedom's Progress after the Collectors had hit the colony. Shepard helped us locate him and made sure he was alright."

 

Shaking his head, Garrus responds, "Always the helpful human, that Shepard."

 

Tali puts her hands together. "Yeah. I could hardly believe he was working with _Cerberus_ of all people at the time, though. I mean, that and the fact that he was _alive_."

 

"Still hard to get over that one sometimes," Garrus agrees with a nod.

 

Putting her spoon-like eating utensil onto the counter, Tali leans her weight forward on her hands. "It's... It took a long time to get over-- him." She lowers her voice. "To be honest, I don't think I ever really did. What happened to the Normandy, it wasn't-- it wasn't fair. For a long time, I wondered if there had been anything I could have done to help. Typical survivor's guilt, I know. But I knew that ship, dammit, and though I know there wasn't anything anyone could have done to avoid that attack, I just wish--"

 

"Hey..." Garrus' protest is weak, quiet, soft. Tali keeps her head down.

 

The distant whirr of various machinery echoes in Tali's ears for a moment or two.

 

"At least the rest of the crew was... accounted for," Tali mutters, "And part of me is glad that Shepard didn't let us see the wreckage. Really, really glad."

 

"And the other part?"

 

"Undecided." Tali finally lifts her head.

 

While Garrus isn't exactly a _sensitive_ sort of guy, Tali doesn't have anyone else to talk to in regards to this whole... mess. The rest of the new crew is nice and all, but they don't know what happened like Garrus does. Besides, he hasn't shot her down yet. Maybe one day she'll learn to keep her mouth shut, but for now she's content with running her mouth to this smartass turian.

 

At least he has the decency to look serious. Troubled, even, like he agrees with what she's saying. No running commentary, but she'll take what she can get.

 

"You... should have been there on Horizon," Garrus starts haltingly, "It could have been one big reunion. Almost as flashy as our reunion with Liara was."

 

"Oh?"

 

"Yeah. Our first encounter with the Collectors head on," Garrus continues, "And that wasn't even the best part."

 

"Come on, Vakarian, you're killing me over here."

 

Garrus averts his gaze for a second, a break in his comedy act. "Kaidan was there."

 

The food in Tali's digestive system jumps to attention. "Oh shit."

 

"Oh shit is right." Garrus chances a look at Tali and seems satisfied with her reaction. "I'm hardly an expert on human romance, but I'm pretty sure that what went down was probably the opposite of good."

 

"You have to tell me everything that happened, Garrus," Tali insists, leaning in closer to her companion, "I can't believe I missed this."

 

"It wasn't terribly remarkable. They, uh. They hugged."

 

" _And_?"

 

"Keep your helmet on, I'm getting there!" Garrus gives a wry grin nonetheless. "Like you'd expect from any self-righteous human, Kaidan wasn't really happy about the whole Cerberus thing. Put that on top of the fact that our good Commander Shepard hadn't bothered calling him when he woke up and Kaidan was damn furious."

 

"What! You'd think Kaidan would have cared more about the fact that Shepard was alive than the fact that he was too busy saving the galaxy's ass to call!"

 

At least that's how Tali felt. While seeing him with Cerberus' logo slapped on his armor stung at first, seeing him alive and well quickly outweighed that brief flare of betrayal.

 

Garrus shrugs. "I don't know, Kaidan's always been the skittish type. Seeing Shepard with Cerberus must have made him see red. Kind of like seeing Shepard with an ex."

 

"Creative comparison, Vakarian." Tali leans back, crossing her arms over her chest. "Whatever. He'll be happy when we save his ass from the Collectors when all of this is over."

 

Garrus hums. "He better be. Shepard didn't exactly... take it well."

 

"And what was that like?" She's genuinely curious. "Seeing the great human Spectre crack under pressure isn't exactly an everyday thing."

 

"It was about as good as you could probably guess," Garrus comments, averting his gaze again. "The new crew is very talented, you've seen them in action. But you and I are the only familiar faces on the Normandy now."

 

"Don't forget our smartass pilot," Tali quips.

 

With a laugh, Garrus nods. "Right. But you understand, right? The world moved on without Shepard. Even we did, though not entirely."

 

"You don't just shake off Commander Shepard."

 

"Exactly. Two years must be a long time for humans for Shepard to have assumed Kaidan moved on."

 

Tali shrugs. "Hell if I know. Though I have a sneaking suspicion that that assumption wasn't the only reason Shepard didn't talk to Kaidan as soon as he woke up." She worries the edge of her hood between her fingers. "Getting Kaidan involved with Shepard's business is fine when you think of it that way. But Shepard knows the Alliance's attitude towards Cerberus. Hell, most of the galaxy doesn't like those assholes."

 

"Are you... Do you think Shepard was ashamed to be associated with Cerberus? You think that's why he avoided Kaidan?" Garrus' mandibles waver thoughtfully.

 

Again, Tali shrugs. "Just an idea. Those two... I don't know. Kaidan's skittish, like you said. Way too caught up in his own head sometimes. It took them forever to get past their stupid battlefield flirting and to something more serious."

 

"And unfortunately for us, we were caught up in all of that 'romance' business," Garrus says, the words like dirt in his mouth.

 

Tali can't say the same. She can admit to living vicariously through romance plots like these.

 

"They can make up when we get rid of those pesky Collectors," Garrus continues, "Though... What do you think the chances are we'll be able to reap the benefits of our charitable work?"

 

Tali clicks her tongue against her teeth. "What, are you asking if I think we're gonna make it?"

 

"Yes. Thank you for ruining my cleverly phrased question."

 

"Oh, shut up." Huffing, Tali leans her hip against the counter. "I haven't had time to crunch the numbers yet. Or the desire. Like, at all."

 

"Here, I'll make it easy for you: it doesn't look likely."

 

"Couldn't even bother to butter me up first, huh?"

 

"I thought you could take it."

 

For a moment or so, Tali's quiet. Her fingers drum against the metal of her suit. "I guess... To be honest, at this point, I don't really care. If we don't get through this, it'll be in a blaze of glory, and if we do, then the Collectors are out of the picture."

 

"A win-win situation, huh." Garrus gives another wry grin. "My thoughts exactly. Since Shepard helped me settle some... business, I know I can put my all into this and worry about the consequences when they come. And really, if we can't pull it off, who can?"

 

"I can't tell if your confidence is inspiring or arrogant," Tali says, a smile on the edge of her voice, "But I agree, 100 percent."

 

"You could just be honest and say 'attractive'."

 

"Keep dreaming, Vakarian. I'll be sure to wake you when we hit the Omega-4 relay."

 

"Oh, my poor heart. You wound me, vas Neema." Garrus leans forward and grabs at Tali's food. "All that talking sure worked up an appetite. What's on the menu?"

 

"Military-grade slop."

 

"My favorite."


	12. Chapter 12

**me3: mshenko - on settling in**

Kaidan said to give him some time alone, some time to gather his thoughts. Shepard finds this request reasonable; after all, the events in the Citadel had been... tense, to say the least.

Shepard's always known that Udina's character had been questionable. His heart had been in the right place, he supposes - trying to propel humanity forward. But at what cost? These things have to happen naturally, just as trust comes naturally. They're only one small species compared to the other council races, and staging a damn coup against the rest of the council hardly seemed like a good idea.

Political business aside, Shepard still feels some shakiness in their relationship. Kaidan's eagerness to return to the Normandy is endearing, heart-warming, even. But he seemed a little too eager to put Horizon behind him. For that, though, Shepard can hardly blame him. Horizon... Shepard hates to think about it. The thought of _lost time_ and _wasted opportunities_ burns hot in his stomach and leaves the taste of acid in his mouth. Yeah, maybe they're both better off just leaving it in the dust.

Still, if it becomes a rift between them, like the distance between the captain's quarters and starboard observation, Shepard has a feeling the bitterness will escalate to gaping cavities in his digestive track.

Obviously the answer is not to let it become a rift between them.

Liara puts down her datapad to watch Shepard pace her office. Leaning against her communication console, she crosses her arms over her chest.

"Glyph, just how much distance would Shepard have covered were he walking in, say, the Citadel Presidium Commons?" she asks. The sound of her question causes Shepard's shoulders to stiffen as his step falters.

"Approximately one point two kilometres, Dr. T'Soni," Glyph answers obediently.

"Not bad, considering there's approximately 15 metres of walking space in this office," Liara continues, quirking a brow as Shepard turns to face her, "From the door to the foot of my bed, I mean."

"The gravity in the Presidium Commons is very similar to that of Earth and the interior of the Normandy," Glyph adds, "So the Commander would have no problem maintaining his brisk pace."

"Liara..." Shepard complains. Liara shakes her head.

"Shepard, as I see it, you have two options right now: you could go and talk to him, or you could set the ship on its way to our next destination. Either choice will be more productive than... Pacing..."

"I'm exercising," Shepard offers lamely.

With a slight smile, Liara uncrosses her arms and walks over to her commander. Stopping a few inches away from him, she reaches out to straighten out his fatigues, adjusting the buckles and straps so they sit more snugly on his frame.

"What I've learned these past years is that humans tend to use "exercising" as a euphemism for a multitude of things," Liara states, "And expending your nervous energy happens to be one of the more innocent uses."

"What's your point?"

"My point is," Liara says, her smile widening with hints of a smirk, "You are Commander Shepard, first Human Spectre, the man on his way to saving the galaxy from the ancient, powerful Reapers; you don't have the time to pace around my tiny office because you're nervous about what you're not-so-ex-boyfriend has to say about returning to the place where it all started."

Shepard stares at his companion for a few moments, speechless. Sighing, he swats at Liara's hovering arms before walking past her towards the door, knocking shoulders on the way.

"I hate it when you're right," he mumbles. He stops just at the door and turns around, wearing a wry smile, "Which is way more often than you have the right to be."

Liara folds her hands behind her back. "I'm always ready to provide assistance, Shepard."

He gives her a lazy salute and lets the doors close behind him with a _swoosh_.

* * *

"Getting settled?"

Shepard's the first to break the silence before it envelops the room. Awkwardness can't settle in as long as he fights it, right?

Kaidan takes his time turning to face his Commander. His hand trails against the window, and once he stills again, eyes trained on Shepard, he leans his back against the window.

"Not much to unpack," he states, "Left Earth in a hurry. Just the clothes on my back and a few things I picked up on the Citadel. Kinda like it. Living lean."

"Yeah, I get that."

They hold each other's gaze for a few moments. Eventually, Shepard lets his eyes roam, sizing Kaidan up, maybe even checking him out. He gave Kaidan a once-over like this back in the hospital, and although those circumstances had been much different, he can't help but feel like he's assessing Kaidan yet again, as if he can't believe he's still in one piece.

"Shepard..." Kaidan starts. Shepard holds his breath. Another handful of moments pass and Kaidan just shakes his head.

Shepard approaches Kaidan's side and looks out the window.

"The last person to occupy this space regularly was also a powerful biotic," Shepard comments, the hint of a smile curling his lips.

"Yeah?" Kaidan remains with his back to the window. His shoulders could easily touch Shepard's if he moved an inch or so.

"She was also one of the few asari justicar in the galaxy."

Kaidan ducks his head and chuckles lowly. "Wow... Now that's an intimidating comparison."

"You're just as competent in your own way, don't worry."

"You flatter me."

"I can't help myself."

Ah. Shepard's hand tenses against the window. There's much more truth in the act of letting that sentiment slip than the words could ever express on their own. Shepard ducks his head, the top of his forehead pressed against cool glass.

"Apparently," Kaidan responds, drawling the word and colouring it with amusement. Although Shepard can't see it, doesn't turn to look, he can just hear the smirk on Kaidan's lips.

Shepard turns to face Kaidan. "I... I mean--" He puffs a breath and rubs the back of his neck. "I couldn't even help myself when I went to see you in the hospital, Kaidan. Are you really surprised?"

"I'm not sure if I'm surprised, per se. It's just hard to believe, that's all."

"Hmph." Shepard raises his head to find Kaidan staring at him. For a moment, his eyes widen, but in a matter of seconds he's schooling his expression back into something calm, stoic. "Why's that?"

Kaidan makes a sound in the back of his throat. "I don't know, Shepard... I don't know where to start."

"There is a lot to go through."

Kaidan hums his agreement. "I'm still... Still thinking about it. Working on it."

"There's a lot to think about these days," Shepard responds.

Lifting a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose, Kaidan casts his gaze downward. "This in particular has been haunting me for a while."

"Me too."

Shepard turns to look at Kaidan, and Kaidan raises his eyes to return his gaze almost immediately.

Just how long is "a while"? If Shepard had to guess, he could give an accurate estimate, and the precision of those numbers don't exactly sit well in his stomach. Still, like he's always told himself, there are more important things to think about than a potential romance with someone who officially ranks higher than him. Kaidan was always worried about fraternization, and though it is small in the face of things to come, and things that are already here, it's only another thing to add to Shepard's overflowing plate.

Although Shepard has never outright denied it, he's done some things in his lifetime that demonstrated that he isn't exactly human. But really, honestly, truthfully, genuinely, when it comes down to it? Shepard _is_ human. He can't help but crave things like this.

Things like Kaidan Alenko.

Shepard straightens up. His shoulders brush Kaidan's, and during their brief moment of contact, he can feel Kaidan leaning back into his touch ever so slightly.

"I'll leave you to it, Major," Shepard says, a hint of a smile on his face.

Kaidan returns that smile with one of his own, a small gesture that pulls at wrinkles at the corner of his eyes. "Thank you, Commander. Good talk."

The smile doesn't wear off right away. Shepard shakes his head, his gaze lingering on Kaidan's until he has to turn to leave the room.


End file.
